Admit it: You went and had a tiny human or two with your husband and now you can barely stand the sight of him. He snores through nighttime wake-ups, leaves his dirty socks next to the hamper and wouldn’t know how to work the washing machine if he tried. Every little irritating thing he does Drives. You. Insane. You’re perpetually annoyed which makes him perpetually annoyed which leaves you yelling at each other in front of the kids. Well let me tell you something right now: This is totally normal.
When you embark on the lovely adventure of bringing a new human life into the world, you think your marriage will survive it no problem because you were sooooooo in looooooove right after you got married. The reality is that the dynamic changes. You went from enjoying a glass of wine with your quiet dinner to picking broccoli from your hair/face/shirt/floor/all of the above. It’s hard to remain connected to an adult when this screaming baby demon is constantly hung from your boob.
My kids are now one and three years old. I’ve spent much of the last three years wanting to punch my husband in the throat. Yet I couldn’t imagine a day without him in my life. He’s my best friend. So how do you reconnect to that pre-baby life? I’ll tell you what worked for me.
Me & Us Time
Being a mom can be taxing on the soul. While I absolutely love being a parent, quite often the act of “parenting” drains me to complete exhaustion. I spend every single meal telling one or both kids to just sit still and eat. Nagging eats away at my emotional well-being. Before you can be helpful to others, you need to help yourself. You need to find something that makes you and only you happy. It doesn’t need to be anything complex! I like to spend my alone-time working on this website and crafting. Are most of my crafts for my kids? Sure, but I enjoy seeing through a project from beginning to end. Maybe you just want to curl up with a mug of tea and a good book. Going for a run might be your bliss. Whatever it is, you have to make time in your schedule to do these things. You need to give your brain a chance to recoup a bit of sanity after a long day of picking up toys for the 18th time.
Once you’ve made time in your schedule to fix you, it’s time to fix your relationship. You need to spend time with your spouse away from the kids. This is where having a support network is monumental. My mother recently retired. Being any only child, my kids are her only grandkids and she wants to spend as much time with them as humanly possible. This affords me the luxury of getting that me-time – sometimes it’s just to go grocery shopping alone in the middle of a weekday. But this also means that my husband and I can take a much needed break – together. Go have a meal without the kids. See a movie. Do the things you loved to do before you had kids. Parenting doesn’t only drain you, it also drains your husband. Don’t forget that. He needs alone-time as well as couple-time with his spouse just as much as you. While Sunday nights spent watching The Walking Dead is all well and good, you need to get out of the house if you really want to spend quality time together.
Babies Mess With Your Hormones
I have yet to meet a mom whose hormones survived pregnancy. It changes you. This is not a bad thing. What makes it seem like a bad thing is that you now need to figure out how to maintain your sanity. It’s sort of like being a teenager all over again – you’re all angsty and angry and feisty. It’s time to navigate those murky waters again.
I’m an angry person. Always have been. But I had a pretty good handle on it until I had kids. Then my hormones took a swing at me and knocked me out with a one-two punch. I’ve spent the last three years yelling. At my husband, at my kids and angrily at the neighbours’ dog through closed windows. This was taking a major toll on my relationship with everyone around me and I knew it was time to make a change.
Taking pharmaceuticals is always an option but I wanted to try the natural route first. Now I am by no means a doctor and am only sharing what has been working for me. Please consult a professional before trying any of the things I mention beyond this point.
While I have always passively used essential oils, I decided it was time to level up. I’m now the proud owner of umpteen bottles of oils. I make blends of different oils to help my balance my mood. Lavender to soothe, clary sage to balance hormones, ylang yang to turn up the love factor. There’s so many options!! I have a special linen spray with many glorious oils to help me sleep. I diffuse different oils every day depending on my mood. It’s been bliss.
I spoke with a naturopath who informed me that anger is a result of a backed-up liver. Through all of my learning about essential oils, I found a product designed to help cleanse the liver. doTERRA’s Zendocrine contains Tangerine Peel, Rosemary Leaf, Geranium Plant, Juniper Berry and Cilantro Herb essential oils. I take a drop of this oil every few days and it has helped immensely. I can tell when I’ve missed a few days as I can feel myself getting my back up over the smallest things.
Essential oils may not be for everyone but I decided to throw myself into the game and I’ve been very happy with the results. Would pharmaceuticals have a stronger effect? Probably. But I am slowly regaining balance in my life with the oils and making enough progress to make me happy.
Face it: Without sex, you just have a roommate. Some people like to schedule in sex. I say that takes the fun out of it. You have to want to have sex. How is it enjoyable for either party if you’re only doing it because your Google Calendar says you have to?
I found that some of the essential oils helped me get back into the swing of things. Little J took all of my attention for the first five months of his life which left me zero energy to deal with anyone or anything around me. My relationship with my husband took a nosedive. We barely even kissed each other hello. Once Little J started to find his sleeping groove and I began to really delve into the world of essential oils, I found one that seemed to make me do a 180. doTERRA’s Serenity contains Lavender Flower, Sweet Marjoram Leaf, Roman Chamomile Flower, Ylang Ylang Flower, Hawaiian Sandalwood essential oils and Vanilla Bean Absolute. I diffuse it, it’s in my linen spray and I have a little rollerball that contains the oil and some coconut oil so I can apply it topically. This magical blend of oils helps you relax….and the ylang ylang is known for increasing libido!
Let’s just say that Andrea got her groove back.
Once you find that groove, treat yourself to some sexy under-things. They don’t have to be over-the-top dominatrix-style (unless that’s your thing, then by all means). Just pick something you’re comfortable in. Slip on a matching bra & underwear set. A little lace never hurt anyone. If you feel sexy, you will exude sexy.
Go on, get your groove back. You deserve it. And your husband will thank you for it.
Hubby and I are putting all of these suggestions to use very soon. We’ve asked grandma to watch the kids for a night off. This is our very first night away together since having our first kid over 3 years ago. I think we’re overdue!
If you would like more information about doTERRA essential oils, please contact me at andrea [at] theinspiredhome [dot] org
Andrea can always be found with a new craft in front of her, a form of technology on her right and a coffee on her left. This is how she survives suburbia with her two crazy toddlers in tow.