Warning: This post is a little vulgar and may not be as entertaining to those who don’t possess my gross yet honest sense of humour.
For some women, pregnancy is a glorious time. They’re those women who have the pregnancy “glow” and revel in every little kick and nudge. They talk about how much they love being pregnant and how excited they are to bring a new life into this world.
I am not one of those women.
If you are reading this article right now, you are also not one of those women.
Majority of the women I have spoken to since becoming a mom have freely admitted how much they dislike being pregnant. It’s sort of a secret code that us moms only share with each other. We don’t like to frighten off all the others who haven’t yet had the experience of pregnancy. In fact, we won’t even tell you about how unenjoyable pregnancy really is until you feel comfortable enough to divulge your feelings to us on the matter. You might be one of the lucky few who never feel nauseous. Why would we complain to you while you’re sitting there glowing? We are just as excited as you are to hold a fresh, tiny new baby in our arms. We just don’t enjoy the 9 month journey (aka marathon) it takes to get there.
And that’s okay.
I’m currently pregnant with my second child. The first was a girl, Miss O. This one is a boy. Both of my pregnancies were/are different and in my opinion, neither were/are enjoyable. If you’ve already experienced a nasty bout of morning sickness, I’m here to tell you about all the other gross stuff that comes along with growing a tiny human.
1. Morning Sickness doesn’t just happen in the morning and it doesn’t just happen for the first trimester.
That’s right ladies. You may find yourself with your head in the toilet at 3pm on any given day of the week. Or perhaps you learned the hard way that orange juice is not your friend and that it burns when it comes back up. A lot. You know how “they” say your sense of smell gets stronger? Well “they” aren’t lying. For some this means pulling over to heave on the side of the road when you pass a dead skunk. And let me tell you, it’s a lot harder to lean over a toilet when you’re 8 months pregnant. Or the wastebasket in your office, right Holly?
2. Bleeding Gums Murphy
No, not this guy from The Simpsons. I’m talking the gums in your mouth. They will bleed. A lot. You may even convince yourself you have a severe case of gingivitis and that you need to see a dentist ASAP. I’m here to tell you that this is just another joyful part of pregnancy. If you go visit the dentist, I guarantee they’ll make you bleed even more than you do at home after a simple brushing. I tried to suck a piece of food out of my teeth the other day. Next thing I knew, I had a mouthful of blood. Good news is, it tends to taper off a bit into your third trimester. Hopefully the taste of blood doesn’t send you heaving into the toilet.
3. Snail Trail
I apologize for this one. There’s just no nice way to put it. I find the term “discharge” to be just as, if not more gross than the term “snail trail”. If you’re a far less vulgar person than myself (which is more than likely) then you may not be familiar with the term. Remember the days before you got pregnant? (I know, they seem so far away). Remember how once a month between periods, at ovulation time, you would get a bit of white discharge in your undies? Well guess what? Just because you don’t get a period for 9 months and there’s a plug holding a child inside of you doesn’t mean stuff won’t come out of your hoo-ha. It will come out all day, every day. In fact, it will probably be more than you think and you’ll need to wear a pantyliner almost every day. As long as it doesn’t smell funky, you’re in the clear. However, due to that heightened sense of smell, you may *think* you smell funky. Ask your doctor if you’re really that worried. They’re aware of this snail trail business.
4. Box Kicks
That cute little human you’re growing? It’s actually a ninja. With very pointy elbows/hands/feet. That kid will jab you any which way he wants. During your second trimester you will probably feel like you are being kicked in the box. And by box I mean vagina. That kid will kick down and convince you that he’s gonna bust on outta there. It’s not a pleasant feeling but don’t worry, that kid isn’t going anywhere. Just wait until you experience their hiccups when they are head down. Not as painful but it is more continuous therefore equally as irritating in my opinion. You’ll also get some good jabs to the ribcage here and there. And the bladder.
5. You’ll be exhausted but you won’t have a satisfying slumber.
It’s like this kid is prepping you for when they come out. An endless rotation of exhaustion yet the inability to sleep. First trimester is all about sleep. You can’t keep your eyes open. You’re in bed by 8pm. You sleep whenever you get the chance pending you’re on your first pregnancy. Once there’s another kid already terrorizing your house, you will be that much more exhausted. Second trimester is mildly okay in the sleep category as you can still sleep comfortably but perhaps the dreams have kicked in. Crazy, wild, erratic dreams. Many of them about how you’ll be an awful mother who loses her baby or something. They’re just dreams, you’ll be okay. After this comes third trimester. You are large and uncomfortable in any position. You can’t sleep on your belly because, well, that’s like sleeping on a speed bump. You can’t sleep on your back because the kid will crush your insides and then make your legs go numb. That leaves you with sleeping on your side. If you’re anything like me, your body will retaliate and make your hips scream out in pain and you’ll wake up at 3am with a ridiculously painful cramp in your calf that makes you call out for your mother. Third trimester is also about the time you will start experiencing insomnia. With Miss O, I would wake up like clockwork at 5am every morning and lay there for 2 hours staring at the ceiling. Then I’d fall back asleep. Kinda.
There’s the joys of pregnancy, ladies. I didn’t sugarcoat it. Those who know me well know that I’m blunt. I say what I feel. Some people appreciate it, some people dislike me for it. But at the end of the day, you can never say I wasn’t honest. Hopefully this article made you chuckle a little and helped you see that you’re not the only woman who dislikes being pregnant. And that some of the things happening to you may seem weird or awful or just not normal when in fact they are perfect normal. It may be the longest nine months of your life but eventually you will have to push that watermelon-sized human out of a hole the size of a banana and cater to their every whim. And you’ll love it because that’s what moms do.
Andrea can always be found with a new craft in front of her, a form of technology on her right and a coffee on her left. This is how she survives suburbia with her two crazy toddlers in tow.